round and round and round and round

editors note: this piece was originally posted 2/21/22

As most of you have already seen, I’m round. I am comprised mainly of circles, especially at the moment with the belly of doooooom.

My tits are getting bigger (which is RIDICULOUS because they were unmanageably big before I got pregnant [38 H, you guys. 38. H. and weighing in at 5.5lbs each.]) and have started leaking if I’m not wearing some sort of support, which is FUN because I ran out of support garments that actually fit about a month ago and have come up with absolutely zero decent replacements.

This is wreaking some merry havoc with my gender at the moment. I mean, pre-pregnancy an androgynous presentation was utterly out of my reach and I had figured out ways to live with that, these changes are just throwing it into starker relief.

I don’t experience massive dysphoria. At least, I experience emotional pain wrt feeling dysphoric in a very minute fashion. I figured out how to deal with that through my healing process from my eating disorder (on going healing process, but mostly at a maintenance level these days) and the pain is not reasserting itself.

Instead I’m annoyed that I see so few examples of FAAB gender-queer folk like myself that are not able to adopt a more masculinized/androgynous appearance in places set up to be welcoming to us. I realize that probably has more to do with how US culture frames body types and gender and what boxes we are all constrained within because of it, so no, I’m not mad at the spaces themselves but more the framework we are all stuck to. If parts of that framework fit you and work for you and ease your pain, that’s wonderful. I’m very happy for you because I do have an idea of what its like to be trying to be something you aren’t. I just don’t fit there, and I’m getting tired of trying to find the next best thing because its still the wrong thing. Its like trying to sleep with sand in my bed.

Anyone know where I can get a dustbuster?