Thursday, April 23, 2009

Oh no you didn't, or how I learned to stop worrying and ignore the fakers.

Some people have SOME fucking nerve.

I am currently living in Philadephia, apart from my still legal husband who is in Tucson. We're still talking, but otherwise apart at the moment.

I do own a Livejournal, mostly friendslocked because certain people, such as my mother, have had no problem with using my private thoughts therein against me. (Then again, my mother felt she had the right to break into my physical diary, read it, and write back to me in it before locking it and putting it back, but that's neither here nor there.)

When one is posting in a private space, one that is locked to a certain audience there is the reasonable expectation of privacy therein, and a common understanding that what is written in such a space will remain private.

At least, that was the theory.

So imagine my surprise, shock and sheer blinding rage when my husband comes to me last night to tell me three nights ago, he was approached by someone who was offering up private chat logs and friendslocked LJ entries to show him, supposedly about how I was deceiving him and talking about him behind his back, how I was leaving him in the lurch, etc.

If you want, you can see the entry here.*

Now, read that over, then venture over to her business site* where she sells her digital art.

Tiari (as I will refer to her, though I do know her personal details) paints herself as a progressive, pro-feminist, modern woman, a stay at home wife and mother of two who makes her money via her business.

In the days when my marriage started to go south, I began posting to my Livejournal, looking for advice from those married, those not, from friends who knew the entire story and those with an outside perspective on everything. Tiari had been one of those who had attempted to warn me before the marriage, but once I was in it became an advocate of staying in the marriage no matter what.

Through cheating, through an attempted rape..through being ignored, marginalized and blown off. Why? Because she, too is married to a thoughtless jackass, and of course misery loves company-if she choose to stay in a marriage she hated so much and stuck it out for over 20 years, then of course I should too, because it's what a good wife does!

Nevermind that her husband asked her to be a stay at home wife, knowing she can regularly command a much higher salary than he can. Nevermind that he would let his relatives berate her for being lazy and not working, even though it was at his behest. Nevermind that she resents the hell out of her daughters and husband for keeping her from the life she could have had.

A good wife stays no matter what. A good wife suffers for her husband. A good wife shows no regard for herself whatsoever.

Fuck that shit.

I dared to step out of her little mold, going against her "seasoned advice" and took steps to make myself happy. And as soon as she realized this, she gathered up the trust I had bestowed in her, and used it to try to punish me, by trying to go behind my back to my husband with chat logs and entries I had shared with her in confidence.

The thing is, my husband came to me to tell me this happened. And she wanted him to not tell me that she did it, as opposed to how brazenly she came out in my LJ.

For being such a "progressive" woman, she sure does tend to cater to the stereotypes of women needing to be weak and protected in her art. For being so "pro-feminist", she sure didn't hesitate to punish me for stepping out and doing what I needed to do for myself, and stepping out against my "role" as the dutiful wife.

What is it about our society and culture that women feel the need to punish those who step out against the sexist expectations of our culture?

I'm a bit sad to lose a friend. I'm more sad that I live in a culture and society that rewards women for doing this type of thing.

*Please, do not troll her. My purpose is to demonstrate, not to punish her in return. Thank you.

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