I Don't Think I'm Better Than You

Has anyone else come across this "women are morally superior to men" trope? I have heard it before, mainly in philosophy classes, but I came across it again in the Feministing Community, in an entry by Wendy_notsid about a book called Hating Women : America's Hostile Campaign Against the Fairer Sex By Rabbi Schmuley Boteach. (Sorry, not linking to it.)

There was, of course, a lot of commentary in the book regarding the awful stereotypes presented of women in the popular media, how men are being groomed to view women, and the over-sexualization of young women in popular media and culture that I heartily agreed with, but there were passages of the book that annoyed me greatly, as a feminist and as a humanist in general. Not only was it his criticism of the feminist movement for concentrating too much on being like men and leaving behind their “natural feminine virtues” (I’m not taking this word for word), or his belief that women were respected more prior to the twentieth century (though that really got to me, but it’s a point to pick apart for another blog), but it was also his stressing of how men and women are not equal, but that women are superior beings.

I am sure that the Rabbi meant to help, seeing that he has daughters and seems to subscribe to certain beliefs that indicate that women are to be valued, which is a good thing. I take issue with what is intended to be valued from women, and how this is still limiting to us, as well as the implications for a feminist movement that were to be held to this standard. From the Feministing article:

...he stated the usual evidence of the so-called female superiority: more women do charitable work, more women attend religious services, women are more likely to be sympathetic to the troubles of others, more women excel academically… I know also that there is a belief in a number of Jewish denominations that women are the holier sex because we can bear children and are naturally more moral than men. Another idea is that man was God’s first try in creating a physical being in Its image, and that woman was God’s second, more successful, try.

The idea that any one group of people is morally superior to another is problematic.

First of all, it feeds into the exclusionary stereotype that follows liberation movements, and gives credence to those privileged whiners that are pissed that there is something in the world that doesn't include them. Seriously, why give them more ammo?

Second, it places more responsibility on the shoulders of women to behave "properly" and allows a pass for men to behave however they want with the excuse that they are just "naturally flawed." Women are already blamed for the violence and oppression they face, this just makes that idea even stronger.

Third, this can be used to silence those of us who still insist on pointing out inequality. If we can be placated with the head pat of being "morally superior" (which, by the way, doesn't prevent rape, murder, domestic violence, job discrimination, education discrimination, etc) then we don't need to be treated "like men" (translation: like people) because our needs aren't the same.

The false dichotomy of one group being better than the other prevents any real critical analysis of constructions of personhood and identity, and recreates double standards that are "impossible" to argue against.

Who wakes up and says, "I wish I could be oppressed too"?

I have been talking with my cousin lately. He is 15, and I have been trying to explain the mechanics of oppression, privilege and power to him in a way that doesn't make him think he is being accused of something. Frighteningly, I have had to debunk several ideas that he has picked up from Cthulhu-knows-where about how oppressed he is. After doing that, he said something really upsetting to me:

"I wish I had a struggle of my own, something to fight against."

O.o

The mind...she boggles.

Somewhere along the way, the idea that having a struggle, an oppression to fight against, was in somehow. Stylish. It got you "special rights." Either that, or the rapid loss of privileges was seen as a loss of rights.

The idea that white affluent western men are an oppressed minority is laughable. It is also a perspective that one encounters quite frequently in popular culture, and especially from so-called men's rights activists(MRAs).


Let me explain something about MRAs. These people are rarely concerned with actual rights or oppression. They are primarily concerned with maintaining the status quo, because the only way they can see the rights of men being violated is when women have those same rights.


They see rights, freedoms and opportunity as a zero-sum game, namely, if females are doing well, that means that males must be getting worse. This ties in to the problem with essentialist thinking. If one group is "naturally" better at something, but the other group is doing just as well as them in actuality, then the only way to maintain this false dichotomy, is to assume that something must be holding back the "naturally" better group.

These groups do little more than encourage the very gender essentialist notions that create the inequalities they like to scream about. They help create these structures, and then blame them on the groups that are actively trying to fight them.

They blame feminism for all of their problems, with no knowledge of what feminists and feminist groups actually do. They tend to be against any legislation that deals with domestic violence, any legislation that makes divorce easier for women, against taking the victim's side in rape cases, against women having the choice to abort or continue a pregnancy, generally against anything that doesn't include men regardless of whether they actually need it or not and tend to support using children in custody cases to control and/or threaten ex's, support rapists, and rape apologists, and generally blame women for all of their own personal failings.

They tend to spend a great deal of time spouting off inaccurate information to support the idea that a cabal of women, queers, racial minorities and evil radical feminists control everything, and may even be responsible for the fall of Western Civilization! As a result, they paint hapless white men as the unfortunate victims of an "anti-male" society that grinds them into submission under the boot heel of the Fascist PC Thought Police.

Let us examine some of this, shall we? Not too much, lest we scratch out our eyeballs in frustration.

As far as this idea of "politically correct" (scare quotes intended) as code for "uptight" or "restrictive," I don't see why it is so important to some people to be allowed to use words that create an othering effect of specific groups. One thing that must be put out there right now: complaining about being forced to be "PC" is, in essence, complaining that you can't be a racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, transphobic douchenozzle without there being consequences. I seriously don't see why treating other people like the people that they are is such a damn burden. In the US, one does have the freedom to say exactly what one wants to, however, the rest of us also have the freedom to tell you that you are being obnoxious and insulting. Attempting to shame people with the sneering at political correctness indicates that you would rather be able to hurt people because you like to. This would make you, at best, a bully, and at worst, someone incredibly dangerous.

The gentleman doth protest too much is something else I want to examine here. There is a huge discussion amongst these supposed rights activists about false allegations that lead "innocent" men to being dragged through the court system and possibly imprisoned. Yet false allegations "experts" tend to turn out to be nothing more than perpetrators who are finding ways for other perps to get away with beating and raping. There has even been evidence that false allegations are more likely to come from men:

Are Allegations of Sexual Abuse That Arise During Child Custody Disputes More Likely to Be False?

An Annotated Review of the Research

Bala, N. & Schuman, J. (2000). Allegations of sexual abuse when parents have separated.

Canadian Family Law Quarterly, 17, 191-241.

Canadian Family Law Judgments: Nicholas Bala and John Schuman, two Queen's University law professors, reviewed judges' written decisions in 196 cases between 1990 and 1998 where allegations of either physical or sexual abuse were raised in the context of parental separation. Only family law cases were considered; child protection and criminal decisions were excluded.

The study showed that the judges felt that only a third of unproven cases of child abuse stemming from custody battles involve someone deliberately lying in court. In these cases, the judges found that fathers were more likely to fabricate the accusations than mothers.

These people want to tilt at windmills to preserve their privileges to the detriment of those they consider to be lower than them. They couch their true desires in the language of empowerment, and attempt to cast themselves as some tragic victim.

There are inequalities in this world, some of which specifically effect men, and most are rooted in constructions of masculinity. To resolve those inequalities, deconstruction of gender essentialism must occur. There are people who do this, who truly work to make sure that people are seen as equal regardless of what is in their pants.

They are called feminists, and they are not your expectation.

TDOR

This is for the men and women and those in between and outside of that binary who have died because of ignorance and xenophobia. This is for the victims of transphobia. Remember the fallen, and work for a better world so that those we have lost will not have died in vain. Everybody is someone's child and queers are people too.

Shamelessly lifted from TransGriot.
Courtesy of Ethan St. Pierre, as of November 16, the list of people being memorialized for the 10th Annual Transgender Day of Remembrance on Thursday.


Kellie Telesford
Location: Thornton Heath, UK
Cause of Death: Strangled
Date of Death: November 21, 2007
Kellie was strangled to death with a scarf, by 18 year old Shanniel Hyatt, who then covered the body of 39-year-old Kellie Telesford with a white blanket - with the brown furry scarf used to choke her still bound tightly round her neck. Hyatt said he killer her after discovering she had a penis.


Brian McGlothin (Liked to dress in Women's clothes)
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Cause of Death: Shot in the head with an automatic rifle by Antonio Williams who is serving a six year sentence. Brian was 25 years old.
Date of Death: December 23, 2007



Gabriela Alejandra Albornoz
Location: Santiago, Chile
Cause of Death: Attacked and stabbed
Date of Death: December 28, 2007

Patrick Murphy (Found Dressed in Women's clothes)
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Cause of Death: Shot Several times in the head
Date of Death: January 8, 2008
Patrick was 39 years old.

Stacy Brown
Location: Baltimore, MD
Cause of Death: Shot in the head
Date of Death: January 8, 2008
Stacy was 30 years old.


Adolphus Simmons
Location: Charleston, SC
Cause of Death: Shot to Death (Aldophus was 18 yrs. old)
Date of Death: January 21, 2008


Fedra (a known transvestite)
Location: Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia
Cause of Death: Was found lying face up in a pool of blood,
cause of death was not reported.
Date of Death: January 22, 2008


Ashley Sweeney
Location: Detroit, Michigan
Cause of Death: Shot in the head
Date of Death: February 4, 2008
The age of Ashley Sweeney is unknown, she was only described as a young transgender woman in a press release.


Sanesha (Talib) Stewart
Location: Bronx, NY
Cause of Death: Stabbed to Death
Date of Death: February 10, 2008
Sanesha was 25 years old.


Lawrence King
Location: Oxnard, California
Cause of Death: Shot to death by a classmate because he liked to wear
women's clothes. (Lawrence King was 15 years old).
Date of Death: February 12, 2008


Simmie Williams Jr.
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Cause of Death: Shot to death, Simmie was found wearing women's clothing. (Simmie was 17 years old)
Date of Death: February 22, 2008


Luna (no last name reported)
Location: Lisbon, Portugal
Cause of Death: Brutally beaten to death and tossed into a dumpster.
Date of Death: March 15, 2008


Lloyd Nixon
Location: West Palm Beach, Florida
Cause of Death:Repeatedly beat in the head with a brick.
Date of Death: April 16, 2008
Lloyd was 45 years old.


Felicia Melton-Smyth
Location: Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
Cause of Death: brutally stabbed to death by Francisco Javier Hollos, who said he killed her because she would not pay for sex. Felicia was an HIV activist on vacation from Wisconsin.
Date of Death: May 26, 2008


Silvana Berisha
Location: Hamburg, Germany
Cause of Death: Stabbed to Death
Date of Death: June 24, 2008


Ebony (Rodney) Whitaker
Location: Memphis, Tennessee
Cause of Death:Shot (Ebony was 20 yrs. old)
Date of Death:July 1, 2008


Rosa Pazos
Location: Sevilla, Spain
Cause of Death: Was found in her apartment, she had been stabbed in the throat.
Date of Death: July 11, 2008


Juan Carlos Aucalle Coronel
Location: Lombardi, Italy
Cause of Death severely beaten causing fractures to the head and face before being run over by a car.
Date of Death July 14, 2008
Juan Carlos was 35 years old.


Angie Zapata
Location: Greeley, Colorado
Cause of Death: She was found in her home with two severe fractures in her skull.
Angie was murdered by 31 year old, Alan Ray Andrade. Angie was 18 years old.
Date of Death: July 17, 2008


Jaylynn L. Namauu
Location: Makiki Honolulu, Hawaii
Cause of Death: Stabbed to Death
Date of Death: July 17, 2008
Jaylynn was 35 years old.


Samantha Rangel Brandau
Location: Milan, Italy
Cause of Death: beaten, gang raped and stabbed numerous times before being left for dead.
Date of Death: July 29, 2008
Samantha was 30 years old.



Ruby Molina
Location: Sacramento, California
Cause of Death: Drowned
Date of Death: September 21, 2008
Ruby's naked body was found floating in the American river.
She was 22 years old.


Aimee Wilcoxson
Location: Aurora, Colorado
Cause of Death: undetermined (Police have yet to reveal cause)
Date of Death: November 3, 2008
Aimee was found dead in her bed. She was 34 years old.



Duanna Johnson
Location: Memphis, Tennessee
Cause of Death: Shot
Date of Death: November 9, 2008
Duanna was found dead in the middle of the street. She was 42 years old.


Dilek Ince
Location: Ankara, Turkey
Cause of Death:Shot in the back of the head
Date of Death: November 11, 2008


Teish (Moses) Cannon
Location: Syracuse, New York
Cause of Death: Shot
Date of Death: November 14, 2008
Teish was 22 years old.



Ali
Location:Iraq
Cause of Death:executed for being transgender
Date of Death:2008, Month is Unknown
Video of Ali before she was executed: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2tDVtjQNfQ


*IMPORTANT NOTE FROM ETHAN - (In case I don't get the details posted in time) There were 2 other Iraqi transgender women who were executed at the same time as Ali. Please remember them at your TDoR event.

'ello

Hi Dori and assorted ne'erdowells,

Thanks for inviting me to come and contribute to your blog. I'll get some postings up over the next few days.

Kait

I Smell Toxicity and Plastic

I got an interesting memo at work recently. It was a general memo, intended for the entire team. It mentioned that "hygiene" was an issue and that some people stink and need to wear deodorant to work.

I have a problem with this.

I shower daily, I wear essential oils, I wash my clothing. I don't smell like anything other than how a person is supposed to smell, maybe even a bit better considering I don't eat meat. I have a real problem with our way of categorizing natural human smells as bad, especially when they are smells coming from a female.

Women are regularly subjected to the idea that we stink, especially our vaginas. We are sold items that are supposed to eliminate or cover that musky va-jay-jay scent. Even sexual aids that are sold to us ostensibly for "pleasure," are designed solely to make us smell better for our assumed male partner.

Scents tell us things, about emotions, about health, how we smell tells us if our bodies are functioning properly.

The products that we are sold to make us smell less human can be linked to significant health problems.

If given the choice between smelling like I should, not slathering on or inserting chemicals, and possibly offending people with my scent, or covering myself in caustic chemicals so as not to offend the delicate, brainwashed sensibilities of some random idiot and potentially giving myself a health problem in the process, I'd rather stink.

"Post Racism" my shiny white behind

There has been some buzz lately that the election of an African American to the highest office in the land means the end of racism in America.

...

...

...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

oh yeah, that's a good one. No seriously.

You see, in the REAL world where progressives function, we know this is not the case. One man does not a glass ceiling shatter. We have seen things like this stated before, like when Geraldine Ferraro was on the Mondale ticket, or even more recently, with the Clinton and Palin insanity this last election.

Every time something vaguely progressive happens, it is treated as though this one thing means all oppressions are now officially "out of style," it just isn't cool or with it to be a misogynist, racist fuckneck anymore.

That doesn't stop rising,
racially motivated crimes. (Second and third graders chanting "Assassinate Obama!" for fucks sake?)

To think that it does is to apply a gloss over the realities that people live with, like the likelyhood of being murdered for not fitting gender norms particulary if one is a person of color.

Don't be fooled.

Power systems survive by duping the less powerful into thinking that one small inch forward is equivalent to a major achievement. Its a pat on the head to silence those of us who want to live our lives without oppression informing every move we make.

In the immortal words of Melissa McEwan, promise to keep working my teaspoon, even when my arms are tired.

Sunday Reader

In the best tradition of...well...pretty much all the blogs I read, and due to the Sunday's of double shifts I see marching into the future, I am starting a link roundup of interesting reading.



Wanda Sykes comes out! @ Pam's House Blend


Action Item! Stop Bush from implementing regulations that will allow anti-choice health care providers to refuse to dispense medical care without consequences. Cara has a write up about the regulations over at Feministe.


Krista unpacks the "culture" argument in regards to gender and Islam over at Muslimah Media Watch.


Oh no you didn't! (Why it's not ok to support Prop 8, then hide behind the Constitution) in the Feministing Community.



Carnival Against Sexual Violence 59 is up at abyss2hope.


A discussion of the gendered nature of cursing by Renee over at Womanist Musings (She also has a piece up in the Carnival Against Sexual Violence)


Cara has another post up at The Curvature entitled "Obama is Funny". It's included purely for this quote:

‘Well, the truth is, Brian, we can’t solve global warming because I f—ing changed light bulbs in my house. It’s because of something collective’.”

Notes from the Den of Iniquity

Last night, while going to bed, my spouse and I had a discussion about how my sister tends to stomp every time she goes up the stairs.

Me: "I don't get it. I take pride in being able to move incredibly quietly for my size. Unless I'm angry. Then I want my footfalls to be like a portent of doom."

Spouse: "Baby, you are a portent of doom."

XD

Welcome to another episode of "Just Not Getting It"

::A trigger warning is in effect for this post::

So, I was bored at work, as I so often am, and I ended up reading the New York Times online, as I so often do.

I came across this blog post by Judith Warner entitled “Pure Tyranny”. I had no idea what it would be about, but the title intrigued me. It turned out to be about how we view women’s sexuality and the cultural steps taken to preserve “purity” in women.


She brings up hymenoplasties in Europe, the Austrian man who kept his daughter locked in a basement for two and a half decades in order to rape her and produce children with her (using the excuse that he was a “moral” man who would protect her and make her a “good” woman), and Purity Balls here in the states in which men pledge to “cover” their daughters and protect their purity and girls pledge their virginities to their fathers until their fathers can pass that virginity off to their husbands. She correlates all of these things as a commentary on how controlling women’s bodies is a universal concept and that we as a culture have no right to fling self-righteous indignation at other cultures for doing so.


Needless to say, I appreciated the article, because she said something that I say regularly so articulately and boiled it down quite clearly, that just because we don’t have cultural expectations that oppress women that take the form of radical surgery for the illusion of virginity, we still do have the same warped principles about women’s sexuality that lead to such things. You know, people in glass houses, something about rocks…


Then I read the comments. (I always read the comments and I should damn well know better)


Most of them totally missed the point.


Either the comments were attacking “those backward brown people who are stuck in the middle ages” and smugly patting themselves on the back for being “so much more advanced!”(gag) or they were attacking her for implying that “fathers protecting their daughters is the same as incest” or they were simply attacking her, her feminism, her supposed desire for girls to be “slutty,” attacking feminism in general, touting the joys and benefits of patriarchy (one guy actually blamed the “backwardness” of places like the Middle East on the feminism and “girl power” of the west and how it is obvious that men should be protecting women) etc etc ad infinitum ad nauseum


Herein lies my rage: Why is it that people get so damn offended by female sexuality? Why is it that people can’t see that this obsessive control that is exerted is only done so over women? It IS sexual and mental abuse to convince women of any age that their only value comes from their sex. It is abusive to suggest that women cannot and should not be allowed to make their own choices about their lives and bodies. We are not children, and we are not chattel. We are human beings, full and entire. We deserve the same consideration as any other human being.


Don’t even get me started on the assumed cultural superiority that we have here in the US where we assume that we are better cause we only call women who actually orgasm “whores” instead of killing them on even the suspicion of sexual "infidelity". The mentality is the same, no matter how it is expressed.


And why, on a blog post about women in general and perceived cultural superiority, do so many people jump to the conclusion that it is all about them? No thoughts for the women who are harmed by this, their mothers, sisters, daughters, themselves…no. it must be about attacking their religion because the author DARED to suggest that women having sovereignty over themselves and their bodies is a “God-given” right, or attacking their morals because pre-marital sex is EVIL…there is no connect with how these specific ideas and the long term effect they have is actually factually HURTING REAL PEOPLE!


Get some damn compassion people! If you don’t stop staring at that pool, people you love who happen to be women will be reduced to nothing more than echoes while you revel in your own reflection.

The Spirit of the Stairs

So...privilege.

It's an important, and critical idea, and one I have been dancing around trying to parse out how I want to talk about for days now. I have written and re-written this entry, and have given up on it a few times. However, as far as the intent behind this space, an understanding of privilege and how it works is needed.

The need for this was touched off by several things, some in my own life, and some in the rest of the US.

One of the personal: a gentleman who was otherwise quite nice, who felt privileged enough to say some "well-intentioned" (scare quotes intended) but profoundly homophobic things to me while I was working. It was enough to send me running for a large Americano with an extra espresso shot (for those playing the home game, that would come to four shots of espresso, with the rest of the 18oz. cup filled with steamed water) which I am now sipping and feeling the caffeine tingle to the ends of my extremities.

Another is one friend of mine who repeatedly claims that I go too far on the "female" stuff, and that he feels that I am being unbalanced because I never talk about the problems that men face, and conversely never talk about women as "being at fault" for anything. According to him, I blame men for everything, and let women coast by regardless of whether they deserve to or not. When I call him on the fact that inequalities for women outnumber inequalities for men, he hedges with "well, we should all just be good to each other, but it has to be FAIR," or if I point out that the system that hurts women also hurts men, he moves the goalposts "well some people are just LIKE THAT" or "Some women bring it on themselves."

In the rest of my country, there are simultaneous issues that are encased in layers of problematic privilege with regards to how they are addressed and with regards to the fact that they have even occurred.

One is the passing of Proposition 8 in California, which is problematic on its own. It doesn't help that it's passing is being blamed on POC voters in CA, which is exposing the latent racism of the mainstream, assimilationist GLBTQI movement (which tends to exclude all but the white, able-bodied, cis-gendered men anyway)

In combination with the utter outrage at Prop 8 is the lack of outrage from the same exclusionary GLBTQI community at the murder of yet another trans-woman of color, Duanna Johnson, a woman who had previously been harrassed and assaulted by Memphis police officers, purely because of her gender and her color, who has subsequently been found dead.

For my situation, and how it relates to privilege as well as everything I have mentioned thus far, to make sense, some things about me need to be understood.

1- Yes, I am queer.

2- Yes, I am married.

3- No, my marriage, despite current appearances, is not heterosexual.

4- I am also female-identified, white, able-bodied, poor by Western standards, and feminist without apology.

The problem here is privilege.

What is privilege, you ask?

Privilege is: About how society accommodates you. It’s about advantages you have that you think are normal. It’s about you being normal, and others being the deviation from normal. It’s about fate dealing from the bottom of the deck on your behalf.
-Betty, A primer on privilege.

The man who talked to me this morning was privileged. He assumed when he saw my wedding ring, that since I was married, then I must be straight. His privilege is the ability to assume that marriage is for straight people only, to assume that every person he talks to is most likely not queer, and to assume that I am going to agree with him, because only straight people can be married.

My friend is privileged. His privilege is to be able to assume that he will be included in all things, since most things in our culture tend to be geared towards straight white cis-males like himself. He assumes that his experience is universal, that all men think as he does, and that anything that goes against that is prejudiced against him. His experience must be addressed or he is oppressed. He assumes that fair looks like he wants it to without accounting for the perspective of others. He feels entitled to attention, and to care from activists that don't address his needs, despite the fact that the issues that impact them the most have little to nothing to do with him.

The racist element of the GLBTQI movement is privileged. They can assume that another minority group will support them on the basis of some assumed shared oppression without ever explicitly asking that group for support, they can pretend like there is no intersection of identities, and therefore "erase" POC who are also queer. In cases like Duanna Johnson, they are more than willing to throw our trans* brothers and sister under the bus, as well as anyone else who is not easily assimilate-able in order to further their own quest for rights, regardless if those rights are what the rest of the community actually needs.

I am privileged. I live in the West, where my standard of living as a poor person is at least three times as good as women in developing countries. I can eat food that is out of season, I have access to medicine, media, and computers. I have a job and don't have to ask my family for permission to live my life. I am also white, and can be sure, when walking down the street, that no one is assuming I am a "welfare queen" or that I am a drug addict, or a thief, or a sex-worker. My gender identity, for the most part, matches my gender presentation, so I do not get intrusive stares and speculations about what I "really" am.

My point is, despite these groups and myself all being privileged, there is one major resounding difference.

I am aware of the ways in which I am privileged and have made it a personal quest to minimize my privilege as much as possible. It's a technique that I call, "How to not be a total fucking asshole." This is not to say that I don't fuck up, I do. I will act privileged, partially because the nature of privilege is to be invisible to those who benefit most from it.

Privilege, at its core, is the advantages that people benefit from based solely on their social status. It is a status that is conferred by society to certain groups, not seized by individuals, which is why it can be difficult sometimes to see one’s own privilege.
-Feminism 101 blog What is male privilege

However, I am open to being called on it, and I am willing to self-examine at any time to make sure that my words and actions match with a progressive attitude towards ending oppression. It's the least I can do to make up for the benefits I get because of my privilege.

I do not call myself an ally, I don't need to be put on a pedestal as a paragon of progressiveness. I am just a person, a privileged person, who has chosen not to be an asshole.

Good Morning.

Thank you Dori for inviting me here.
I will need some help as I have never been a member of a Blogging Group, so am looking forward to learning as I go along.
Hope you have a great day.
Jan

Blog Announcement

Hello to anyone out in the intertubes who reads here.

I have a short announcement to make, the addition of another contributor to this space. I have invited my friend Jan to contribute here. She is someone that I have come to respect and trust in her perspective and her eloquence.

We should have an intro post up from her sometime in the near future.

Logic can be fun

Dear people who cant seem to string together a basic logic chain with a map and a flashlight,

We have had our disagreements, me with the thinking, you with the lack thereof and the taking offense that I would DARE to think for myself and not bow to your inferior non-logic, but I have recently encountered something from you that I feel needs immediate direct attention.

I will never tell you that you are not allowed to have an opinion on an issue that you are not directly involved in or have experience with. You can have any opinion you want, no matter how infantile or stupid it may be. It is your opinion and you are entitled to it.

HOWEVER, your opinion is NOT fact, and because it is your opinion does not mean that it is factually true, or accurate. While I will not tell you that you cannot have your opinion based on lack of experience, exposure or understanding, I WILL tell you when your opinion is uniformed due to the previously stated conditions. Reading newspapers about an issue does not count, knowing someone involved in said issues does not count, caring about it with not practical experience DOES NOT COUNT.

Examples:

1) If you are male, you may have an opinion on abortion, but otherwise it is none of your business, yes, even if it is your significant other seeking said abortion. If you have a healthy relationship, then you should trust her to consider your feelings in the decision. If you can't then you probably should not have been sleeping with her to begin with. If her getting one is so abhorrent to you, then dump her and sleep with someone that will give birth to your spawn. If dumping her is not an option, then tough.

2) If you have no functioning knowledge of a specific culture and their language other than a few news sources and the internet, then you may have an opinion about events within that culture, but your opinion will not come from a place of actual understanding of the mentality of the people involved and the structure of the society that shaped it. Your opinion is therefore, UNINFORMED and most likely based in faulty information.

These things also apply to me, and to anyone who wishes to engage in debate or discussion, so please dont try to turn this around on me. I can tell you that you don't know everything, while still not knowing everything myself.

Have a lovely day,
Dori

Live long enough to see the humor, and long enough to see some change

I tend to range between cynic and idealist in my opinions, but my default setting is generally idealist. I choose to believe that the universe is a balance of positive and negative, and your own experience of it is dictated by the things you choose to focus on. I CHOOSE (and am very conscious that I do so) to focus on the positive or at the very least to hope that things can improve.

I wonder why so many people feel a need to challenge my decision to have hope. Is it because misery loves company? I encounter, on a regular basis, people that go out of their way to attempt to disabuse me of my idealism, and act as though they are doing me a favor by doing so. as if they are "saving me from myself" (red flag!!!!) by revealing how silly it is to care or to hope.

A note to those who feel a driving need to do these things

1st: If you (editorial "you") think you need to "save me from myself" then I only really need to be saved from you

2nd: Who exactly does it hurt for me to have hope? If it hurts you, then that is your problem and not mine. If you think that you need to "tell me what its really like" don't bother.

3rd: Don't assume that because I am hopeful, that I am uneducated, or unaware. I AM aware, and I have made the choice to think this way. You only complain about my "rose-colored glasses" because you are not happy with your storm-cloud colored ones.

Just remember:
"...I'm not going to pretend
that I don't pick my nose
that's just the way it is, my friends
that's just the way it goes
this is who I am
what I do
and what I say
if you like it, let it be
if you don't, please do the same"*

*Lyrics to "Pick Yer Nose" by Ani DiFranco

Fifth Sacred thing

I never realized how much I enjoy watching scenery pass by while I’m traveling. That is what I have always loved about train and car trips. That was what made the trip from Philadelphia to State College worth it. I caught myself watching the greenery by the tracks on the way to work this morning. I felt like I was seeing a hidden pattern in the green, like the code to life was hidden in the plants, the secret pattern that holds the universe together. I get so oddly rambly and introspective in the early morning. :-p

I also just noticed that I still have a tendency to try and rationalize away my perception of the world. I see things in a certain way and I find it odd only because I so rarely see or hear this way of seeing expressed by anyone else. When I do its put into these terms that make it so distant for anybody that is skeptical of the viewpoint that generates them it gets dismissed as “new age” and “floaty spiritual” stuff. It is too close to the vision and not close enough to the language of those who have yet to see it.

Is the idea of One-ness scary? Would it mean that people have to think about the state of the world and the way we are treating it? I know that the spouse has felt this and has seen it. Zie told me. Yet zie also seems to both dull certain perceptions and heightens others by using substances during these experiences. It seems as though zie is heightening hir awareness of this but dulling hir motivation to do anything with this feeling. I have also found that as much as it can enhance the perceptions and the feeling of connectedness, it’s harder to remember that feeling, and to access it later when sober. The ability to access this feeling at any time, or all times, is vitally important. I feel it is the way we should feel at all times. It would motivate people to care about the world around them and to make actions that are good for all instinctual. Oh Lord, I’m expecting everyone to behave as empaths. This is different though. This is empathy for the world that we are part of, not separate from. This is empathy for us.

Maybe this driving need people have to ignore the planet, to separate themselves from nature and the world, to act as though the world is something for them to use instead of a vast system that they are a part of, is born from some sort of inner hatred of self. I could draw lines between the system that the Abrahamic religions have become with the concepts of original sin, and man being naturally both a sinner simply from the act of existing and at the same time lord of the earth, but I hate playing the blame game. Suffice it to say that several factors over the development of Western civilizations have led to this remove from the world around us. We create little environments that have structured, controlled variables; walls, cooled or heated air, cooled or heated water, drains to pull away the natural processes of the human body, prepackaged foods, and refrigeration that allows us to eat whatever we want whenever we want regardless of whether it is the appropriate time of year for it or not. We have made actions that damage or compromise the cleanliness of these created environments socially unacceptable at best and illegal at worst. For example, smoking indoors. To smoke inside a house, even if it’s your own, is considered disgusting, rude and destructive. Many cities across the US have also made it illegal to smoke inside of any public building, restaurants and bars included.

These bans are a perfect example of this remove from nature and how we view our artificial environments as more important than the greater environment in which we all reside. It is still legal to have an industry that pollutes ground water and sends carcinogens flying into the atmosphere. On an even smaller scale, its perfectly legal, expected even, that people should smoke outside. This way of thinking shows the underlying hypocrisy of what is valued. Subconsciously, we believe as a culture that polluting the world that we all depend on is okay, but God forbid we pollute our little universes that we have created, because that is more real, more important than the outside world.

We can control these little environments we have created, but we can’t control the world around us. This is a terrifying thought, if you only feel safe in a completely predictable environment. I find it boring in the extreme. Yes, living as I did was hard. Yes, having access to indoor plumbing has improved my health and demeanor. Yes having access to all of these things has made working towards some of my goals much easier. However, I know what it is like to give up that control, to live with the unpredictability of the world and people around me with no walls to enclose it and to have control of nothing but my own actions. I know what it is like to survive without all of these little comforts we allow ourselves. I can see these things as they are now, comforts, and in some cases blessings. They are also tools to be used, not systems to be dependent on. They are not things that should be expected or taken for granted.

Honestly, if it were up to me (which it isn’t, but a girl can dream :-)), I would have everyone as a part of their education spend at the very least two months living with nothing but the most basic of supplies and the knowledge of how to make it from day to day. Train people in what it takes to make it through the day without running water, and controlled climates, electricity, or cooking gas; without refrigeration, artificial or out of season foods, or mindless ways to waste time in the name of entertainment. Let people learn to live from the land and with other people. Destroy the remove. I would make them stay there until they understand that they should value their luxuries as what they are, and value the Earth more, because that is what actually sustains them. Also to value the people around them, to learn that any group of people can be a community and that if people work together, they are much stronger than trying to strike out on their own.

Its time to wake up, people. We are part of the Earth, not separate from it or above it. We do not own it; we cannot buy it, sell it, or steal it. Saying you own the land is like saying that you own your mother’s uterus, and I certainly don’t see anyone staring a war over that. So in essence, all of these disputes over land, they are the global equivalent of sibling rivalry, children fighting over which one of them Mom loves the best. I also am sick of hearing the arguments that since the issues with the environment aren’t as bad as the rabid hippie environmentalists say, that we can continue on our headlong rush to use as much as possible while removing ourselves from the world. That reminds me of the parents who beat their child and rationalize it by saying that it’s not as bad as the beatings that they received as children. I’m going to say this once, but I’m going to say it loud to make sure I’m understood: JUST BECAUSE IT COULD BE A LOT WORSE DOES NOT MEAN IT IS GOOD! Just because you have a cold instead of the flu, it doesn't mean that you don't feel like shit, and it doesn't mean that you aren't sick. Yes, it could be worse, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't take steps to make it better.

There is more to me than this...

I have been going over and having some serious conversations with myself with regards to my family planning choices lately and have discovered something that kinda makes me a bit uncomfortable with myself.

I have had and continue to have fertility issues. About a year and a half ago, my doctors found cysts on my ovaries that could create complications for the process of getting and staying pregnant. Due to lack of insurance, I have not had the opportunity to see a specialist and confirm a diagnosis of a specific hormonal disorder, but since I have just received coverage from my job, I should be able to get that taken care of.

I have also discovered recently that I am able to conceive, but nothing has stuck yet. I have miscarried twice in as many months and was surprised to find that I was not particularly torn up about it. Don't get me wrong, the spouse and I both want a family and chilluns eventually, but so far it doesn't seem to be in the cards without help.

Our niece Jackie was born July 11th, and we got to spend some time with her recently. That day made me feel like I wanted to get pregnant ASAP (that and my dear friend being ready to pop) while I was in the presence of the baby. However, as soon as we left to go home, I started having second thoughts, which led to an almost panic attack at the thought of a pregnancy and parenthood.

It hit me that I was very not ready. When I unpacked the feelings a bit more I realized that I was not ready because I did not want to be limited in my life choices because of a small and totally dependent person. I felt that I wanted to be more than a mother before adding that to the list of ways that I am identified. I felt like being a mother was...beneath me in some ways, like I want to contribute more to the world than just continuing my genetic material.

This is what makes me uncomfortable. I have many dear friends, both online and off who are parents and who still manage to do things with their lives and be parents as well as contributing to the world and society in other ways. I know it can be done, but internally, I feel that motherhood/parenthood is a step down from what I can be for the world. This is not to say that parenting is less than anything else in regards to changing the world, and that is the rub.

I have had the "women have the power of creation" used against me in abusive relationships as a way to put me in my "place," to let me know that they saw this as my only "real" power and as a way to make me feel like I was less valuable than my male partner. I have internalized this to such a degree that I don't feel that being a parent, for me, is a legitimate vocation. I know that this is bullshit, I really do, but I can't seem to get past it in making my own choices. And I feel that if I choose to have a child, I will be relegated to "just" a parent.

I am also terrified. I am terrified that I don't have the patience for children of my own, that I won't love them, that I will resent them, that the novelty will wear off quickly and I will hate the paradigm shift to this being my reality. I am also terrified that I will be defined by the world around me by my reproductive choices. Since I am female, I will be defined as mother first and person second by everyone else in the world, specifically by employers. I want a career, I need a career. The idea that I will be denied this option because of having or potentially having kids makes me so angry and so scared. Part of me wants to do what I have always done, which is do my damnedest to fly in the face of ridiculous assumptions and to challenge them simply by my very being. However, I have also internalized this so deeply, I'm not sure I am strong enough to do that. And it makes me so very angry to know that I live in a society that will judge me regardless of my choices, a society that has taught me that parenthood is worth less than other life paths.

And as a note, this is not intended to offend, in any way, anyone who has made and wishes to make the choice to parent and raise children. I know, intellectually, that this is a valid choice and that it does not lessen someone to make it. I just want to be able to make this choice for myself without all the socio-cultural baggage. Apparently, as a woman in the West, this is indeed too much to ask.

Babe In Total Control of Herself

Due to a discussion on an Ani DiFranco online community, I have been going over the word "bitch" when used as an insult. I know that this is territory that has been chewed to death by theorists, linguists and social commentators, most of whom are far more eloquent and informed than I. This discussion is more for me, and about what I will accept as descriptors and labels for myself.

"Bitch" in the English language is a decidedly gendered insult, the exact implication of which changing depending on who it is applied to. When applied to women, it seems to indicate a woman who is too "man-like" (eg. aggressive, driven, controlling, demanding, etc.) but when applied to men, it is intended to indicate a man who is to "woman-like" (eg. weak, flexible, emotional, etc.)

First of all, can/should a word be able to mean two different, "opposite" things when applied in the same way to two different people? To me, this defies logic at the very least. If we had too many words or linguistic structures that worked this way, language would cease to make sense.

Second, the use of this term reinforces a gender binary for social behaviors that is not carried out by any scientific evidence that can't be countered with an exploration of socialization and how it varies cross culturally.

I guess this could use some context. The conversation that started this was an accusation that Ani is "hard to work with." It had been leveled by local crews of music venues that had hosted her on her recent tour, and I have heard something similar from a friend of mine who used to work at a theatre in my area where she played a few years back. Someone in the community claimed that zie heard that Ani was a bitch.

Based on accounts from other people in the community who had worked with her, she kept a professional distance and had very specific and outlined needs and standards that she expected to be met. Nothing insane or entitled, just specific. According to these posters, working with her was stressful as hell, but when it came down to it, everything went off without a hitch, everything exactly where it needed to be.

It occurred to me that the script people expect one to follow if one appears female bodied is smiling, sweet, accommodating...hell, even I expected it of Ani. Girls who are good people ask nicely, wait their turn and don't make waves.

I all but slapped myself in the face when I realized that i had bought into that shit. Ani is a successful musician and CEO of her own recording company and music venue. She is self promoted, recorded and distributed. She rules every aspect of her business so she doesn't have to make the choice that the rest of us are expected to make: our values or our paychecks. To manage that, one must be driven, specific, aggressive, demanding and totally in control.

To be successful without sacrificing oneself, a woman has to be a bitch.

If being a woman who knows what she needs and demands it because she knows that asking nicely doesn't work makes me a bitch, then that is all I can ever hope to be. Hell, I wish I could have the courage to rewrite that script internally and be the bitch that I know I am.

cross posted in a few places

::facepalm::

Oh.
The.
Irony.

It hurts. It really does.

A portion of an ancient Muslim cemetery in Jerusalem is slated to be demolished to make way for a “Museum of Tolerance”

This decision has been protested by Israeli Arab Muslims, and has been challenged legally. The Supreme Court ruled in favor of the museum based on a lack of objection in 1960 when part of the cemetery was converted into a parking lot. That’s right kids. Because no one objected legally to the destruction of an important t historical site during a time period when the whole country was in turmoil and Arabs were treated even worse by the Israeli government than they are now, they can’t object now.

Using racism and intolerance to make room for a museum devoted to tolerance. Isn’t that like matter and anti-matter?

The mind boggles.

Who wants to take bets that if there is any violent backlash what-so-ever from the Arab Muslim population in Jerusalem in regards to this particular issue, it will be painted, YET AGAIN, as naturally aggressive and violent Arabs attacking poor misunderstood Israel?

I’m sorry, when you are the richest country in the area, you have the most well-equipped army, you are illegally occupying territory for over half a century, and you still try to start wars for the sake of hegemony, can you really call yourself the total victim?

If a bully beats up a smaller kid every day (and for the sake of fairness, say the smaller kid said something mean before getting beat up) then the smaller kid kicks the bully in the nuts, who is the aggressor? Really?

And here goes the circus...

Proposition 8 has all but passed.

Yet again in our nation's history, a whole group of people have had their rights denied them by the (barely) popular vote. There is something slightly different about the particular case of California. In the other states where marriage rights have been limited to one privileged group, the codification of those restrictions simply made existing restrictions into even harder-to-defeat laws.

In CA, the right to marriage had already been granted by the courts as a constitutional right. Proposition 8, has taken away pre-established rights.

And the LAPD, have of course, been dealing with the distraught populace who are watching their rights and the rights of their neighbors dissolve into the ether of fear and bigotry in the classiest way possible.

"How" you ask?

Well, by beating protesters of course!

The link leads to a video from the BBC.

You know, this looks kinda familiar...

The ham is floating

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
WE ELECTED A NEW PRESIDENT!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

This has to be one of the bestest birthday presents EVAH!

On the day I turn 25, I am very aware that this is a day to tell my grandchildren (should I ever have any) about. It is a day that has seen a true historic moment, but it is not without it's sadness.

Last night was amazing. I got home from work around 10:30, and pulled out the tequila. I was stressed and nervous as hell, dealing with the stress of watching the numbers trickle in while I was supposed to be working. entropyinjersey, amichandrn and I watched the election maps as the returns came in. As soon as Ohio was called, we knew, but I refused to believe it until there was a concession speech from McCain and an acceptance speech from Obama.

Then my mom called, screaming about McCain conceding, and how I had to come over and drink with her. So I went over, we drank and we watched President-elect Obama's acceptance speech, and there were many tears.

We could hear some noise from outside, and saw a local news cast about people taking to the streets in celebration...so we took to the streets in celebration as well.

We walked up to Broad street and there were people hanging out of car windows, running in the streets, dancing, singing, shouting, hugging...Most of them were my age or thereabouts, and it was so beautiful to see. As we got closer to City Hall, we came upon a crowd of dancing, laughing people in the middle of the street, they chanted "YES WE CAN" and waved an American flag above the Obama signs, proud, some for the first time, of the potential that their country had shown.

We decided to head back due to the rain and the fact that it was 2am. We walked down Market street to Independence Hall, and stopped at a display/archeological dig that is excavating and exploring the lives of slaves in the home of the first presidents. This site was a big issue when it was discovered, and led to a discussion of how honest did we want to be about our nation's history, and the stories of those who truly worked to build it. It took protests and activism, and demands that the truth not be silenced in order to preserve some heroic ideal of the founding white men who began the government that now will have a man of African decent as Commander-in-Chief.

Needless to say, it was a profound moment of looking at the immediacy of our history. An election where a woman who is the daughter of a slave can cast a vote for an African-American man, and see that man in the highest office in the land, an election that brings people who were long thought not to matter in and gives their voices wings.

However, all is not well, and there is still much to do, considering all but one proposition that enables discrimination against LGBTQ persons and divorces them from their human rights have passed, including Proposition 8 in California. We are still living in a world where some people are told that they are lesser simply because their very existence is seen as a threat to those who want to keep their unearned privileges. We will have to fight for recognition as full human beings, who simply want to live our lives in peace.

This election is not an end, but a beginning. I truly believe that we can make a difference and we can win based on integrity and compassion.

Yes...

We fucking can!

and we better.